I originally wrote this Monday morning:

What do you do when life is not fun? I am struggling with that right now. I have two kids who seem to either be fighting or expecting me to fix everything. I have a house that seems to be falling apart around my ears, and I have neither the money nor the expertise to fix things. So what do I do?

First off, I notice that ATTITUDE is everything. I’m not sure I have a lot more problems than usual, but for some reason things are getting to me more than usual.

The dog just came up to play. I told him I didn’t have time. Perhaps that’s the problem. I’m taking time to worry, but I’m not taking time to enjoy people, places and things around me.

Perhaps I again need to focus on MASTER instead of on ME. Perhaps that is what I need to do.

At any rate, I do not intend to go ballistic or become mired in a self-pitying slump. I will find a way out of this.

Today:

First of all, I notice I am relying on WWBD? What Would Bennet Do? Master is not one to mope. I didn’t, either. I’ll admit, refusing an attitude of defeatism and “poor me” doesn’t come as easily for me as it does for Master, but I am doing it.

Secondly, I wanted to write about how the day turned out. I was concerned that it was going to be a “one thing after another” type of day, especially if I convinced myself of that attitude before I even left for work. So, how did the day go? Normal. At times I had to push to stay upbeat, but nothing earthshakingly bad happened. Can’t say I got any life changing good news, either, but the day was not the disaster I had feared it would be.

I feel kind of like Dori on Finding Nemo.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming......

WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A
TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.
WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY
HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

I found this quote. I’m afraid I don’t know who to give credit to, but I think it expresses things beautifully. I believe we are spiritual in nature.

I can’t say that I understand it well, but I believe some of the discomforts that we face here on earth are due to the fact that we are limited by our physical limitations. I believe our temporary, physical natures keep us from understanding the big picture. It may be that this is the plan. Perhaps we are here to learn something and a complete understanding of our spirituality would inhibit that. Or maybe something about our physicality makes understanding difficult, if not impossible. Maybe our physical brains are too small to comprehend the truth.

Whatever the case, there is a spirit, a soul, an essence that is housed temporarily in the physical body. That spirit goes on. The body does not.

Our physical natures also seem to distract us from our spirituality. Something about being in this body makes it hard for us to connect with our true selves. Instead we look around and focus on the unimportant. Sometimes we even forget what we “believe” spiritually.

I don’t have all the answers. Mostly, I have questions. But I believe there is more than meets the eye.

My son A played his last high school basketball game last night. He was invited to a college to play in their All-Star game. The best players from the area were invited to come play.

My son is not the star of our high school basketball team. We have a young man that is amazing and tends to overshadow the others. Plus, my son’s strength is not in scoring, so he is not noticed. My son’s big strength is ball handling. He can dribble and move very well. Another strength is that he is smart and very coachable. As you can imagine, he usually plays point guard.

Last summer, the entire basketball team went to this college for basketball camp. The coach of the college noticed him. He said, “Of course, I knew about J (the star of our team) but who is this guy?” He recruited A and won him. A will be playing basketball there next year.

Nevertheless, I was a bit nervous about how he would do with all of these others. They were the stars of their teams. Would he truly be able to hold his own? Would he embarrass himself out there?

They started with a 3 point contest and a dunk contest. For that A...sat on the bench. Okay, shooting isn’t his strong point, as I said, and being under 6’ I knew he wasn’t dunking anything. But they didn’t even have him out there retrieving the balls for his team mates. I thought this wasn’t a good sign.

But when the game began, he was a starter. Now, I don’t think that really means much of anything. They had ten players, and basically they just swapped every 4-5 minutes. That’s cool. It was a game for fun, and everyone pretty much got equal playing time, which is how it should be. I don’t think either of the groups of five were better.

So, how did he do? Could he keep up with the big boys? Oh, yes. He still was an impressive ball handler. There were some who were almost as good (okay, I’m his mother) but he certainly didn’t look bad. I noticed some of the skills he learned this year, being more aggressive and penetrating were still intact. They shut him down a few times, but he got through a few times, two. He had several assists and even scored a bucket. Considering the fact that he is not a high scorer anyway, I was glad that he got 2 points against such tough competition.

Unfortunately, his team lost. But they all had a good time, and A definitely proved he could play with the big boys.

You know the truth is, if a woman offers instant submission, she is submitting to her own need. It has nothing to do with the man. It can't have, she doesn't know him yet. She is not in awe of his intellect, his personality or ability. She's just desperate to submit to someone, anyone.

A man who demands that, isn't interested in the person that the woman is. He is just desperate to have someone submit to him so that he can feel powerful. The relationship aspects can't be important, because he doesn't know if this would be someone who would fit into his life or not.

Some people want quality...some just want someone. And then there are the ones who are just playing, and jumping from person to person.

Master sent the above. I would like to comment.

The second and third paragraphs seemed almost like old news to me. Yes, a Dom that just demands and is not interested in the person just wants to control someone. Who they are is unimportant. And some people are just messing around, playing.

The first paragraph, on the other hand, gave me much to think about. When I first learned about bdsm, I would submit seemingly quickly. Now, at the time I was only chatting online, an occasional phone call. I did not meet in person or put myself in danger. I guess there were some good things about that. I learned about my limits and considered things I had not before. I also learned that just playing was not enough for me. The Dom that offered only dominance and none of who or what he is was not enough.

I had not considered the possibility that I was fulfilling my needs and not taking the man into account, but what this says makes good sense. How can I be submitting for the sake of the Master if I don’t KNOW the Master?

It bothers me that I have been that shallow in the past. Now the question must be asked, is that the way my relationship with Master is? The answer is NO. NO, NO, a thousand times NO. How do I know?

Master Bennet is a special person. He is by nature a strong personality. If you met him, you would be conscience of that fact. He is also an intelligent person. He thinks things through, and his opinions have reasons behind them. He is also a very compassionate individual. He reaches out to others often. When his loved ones hurt, he hurts.

I KNOW this man. I am truly awed by him in many ways that have absolutely NOTHING to do with bdsm. One of the positive signs when I first made contact with him is that he was willing to share who he was, what he thought about things, with me. Our conversations were not “do this, do that”.

Our relationship has a greater depth to it because it encompasses both parts-the knowing and loving each other side, and the bdsm side.

We have lots of choices every day. Many we make without thinking. Today I am renewing my commitment to not only think through those choices, but to think “What Would Bennet Do?”

Every morning when I get dressed, I take Master into account. I wear clothes that I think he would be pleased with, from the underwear on out. It has become a habit with me. I’m barely conscience that I am doing it. But I always do it.

Sunday I left the book I was reading at my second workplace 20 miles away. You must understand that I am a voracious reader, and this is a good book. I wanted that book. I was tempted to drive over and get it. But I remembered WWBD? He would not have allowed me to waste the gas. Instead I called over and had someone who was coming back this way bring it with them. And now as I think about it, I realize I got the book faster that way.

This whole incident got me thinking, am I taking Master’s opinion into account as much as I should? When I choose that diet Pepsi instead of that water, when I choose to sit at the computer and play jigsaw puzzles instead of taking that daily walk, am I doing what is pleasing to him? I seem to have fallen into a “good enough” mentality.

When I think WWBD and do it, I feel closer to him. So today, I renew my commitment to doing what Master would want, to include him in my choices.