I have a friend, D. Actually, D is a former lover. He is not into bdsm, but he is aware that I have a Master, and he reads this blog on occasion. Although D and I care deeply for each other, I have come to the realization that our relationship didn’t work, can’t work, because he is unable to provide what I need.

So what did I need that D couldn’t supply? I needed a partnership. I needed a commitment, not just to “forsaking all others,” but also to involving me in day to day life. D is a farmer. I love the country and would have gladly been a farmer’s wife, but D didn’t let me become involved in the operations of the farm. Maybe he was afraid I’d screw it up. Maybe he didn’t want to take the time to teach me. At any rate, I felt he kept me at arms’ length. And when we made plans to live together, well, it was just more than he could handle. He couldn’t open up that much with me. He couldn’t make me that much a part of his daily life.

So, what do I need? I need to be a part of my man. An important, irreplaceable part. To some people’s way of thinking, this doesn’t fit in well with bdsm. The Dominant is supposed to use and enjoy the submissive. She is for his pleasure. She doesn’t play any part in his day to day life. This is not the bdsm for me or my Master.

Master always says this is first and foremost a relationship. We are friends, lovers, partners. But friends first. Master is a part of my heart, mind, and soul. And I am a part of his. For me, an added benefit is that I can allow free rein to my submissive nature. I can be me. Isn’t that how a relationship should work, anyway?

It’s strange how I found what I was looking for in the context of bdsm.

If you read my last post, you know that I have an older, sick dog. I have been asked about putting him down. The question is, when do you do it?

I don’t doubt there are some who would do it right now. The dog is probably not going to get better. Expensive treatments are not an option. Some would say that putting him down now would save him a lot of pain. I have also heard it is time when the animal no longer eats or does things they used to enjoy, whether that is playing with certain toys, going for a walk or whatever.

But the decision is up to me. What do I think?

Master has a favorite quote that I have seen him use from time to time:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO HOO what a Ride!'

To me, this means, among other things, that we should enjoy life to the fullest, and to the very end. If we spend too much time playing it safe, we actually miss out on a lot. So how does this relate to my poor, old dog, Chip?

By putting him down too early, I would be stealing from him small pleasures, even something as simple as me sitting beside him as he weakens. I don’t have the heart to do that.

Let me tell you about Brandy. Brandy was a dog I had in the 80’s and 90’s. I had her put to sleep in the fall of 1997. She had had cancer for many years. She had very little energy. I could safely let her out of her pen; she didn’t have enough strength to run away. One day she walked into the neighbor’s yard and lay down. I had to carry her back. She couldn’t do it herself. That’s when I decided it was “time”.

When I took her to the vet and he gave her the shot, Brandy fought it. It was then that I knew I had made a terrible mistake. Brandy wasn’t ready to go! She still wanted to suck every bit of pleasure out of life. But I rushed her. I have decided never to do that again.

Since Brandy, I have put other animals down. I even let my old cat die naturally. I have learned that there is a point where the animal just lays down and waits for death. This, I have decided, is the appropriate time for the needle. At this point, the animal has given up.

So, what will I do with Chip? Perhaps I will have him put to sleep when he lays down to die. Perhaps, assuming pain is not an issue, I will fix a comfortable bed for him and let nature take its course. But either way, I do not intend to rob him of any little pleasure he still may have in this life.

Several months ago I wrote about my old dog, Chip, and his health problems. Well, those problems have reoccurred, so we went back to the vet. They put him on the antibiotic that they used last time. This time it did not help, so we went back. The vet felt something in his bladder area, and we took radiographs. The vet said a stone in the bladder, which could be fixed by surgery, would show up on the picture. Cancer would not. We got the pictures back, and they were clear.

They have put Chip on prednisone, and I am to try to get a urine sample if possible. That will be difficult, since he has trouble urinating, but I will try my best. At any rate, it looks like anything we do at this point will only slow down the inevitable.

So I have brought him home, planning on taking care of his as best I can for as long as he has.

My son left the TV on in the living room, and as I sit at the computer, I am listening to this show about planning a wedding. Apparently, this show finds a couple with loads of money, and follows them as they put together their dream wedding.

In this episode, the situation seemed to be very traditional. The bride did all the planning, and her father paid for his little princess’s dream. They threw around a lot of figures. The cake alone cost about $15,000. The entire bash was going to cost the father over one million dollars. At the end of the show, I went to see if my son was in the room, actually watching the program. If he were, the two of us would need to have a talk. He was not. If he had been there, what would I have told him?

In a nutshell, I would have said, don’t be so stupid! If and when you do get married, by all means, have as nice a ceremony as you can afford if you that’s what you want, but, please, $1,000,000,000? That is simply ridiculous. From my prospective, I have been married twice. The first ceremony was nice. Okay, the whole thing probably only cost about $1500 or so. It was also 1985, remember. Things were cheaper. The second was about as cheap as you could get. We went to the court house and were married by the judge on duty. I think we paid for a marriage license and maybe a small, decorated cake from the grocery store bakery. As it turned out, both marriages ended in divorce. The ceremony doesn’t make a bit of difference, in my humble opinion.

Master and I have discussed marriage. He asked me what I would want. I told him the same thing I just said. The ceremony doesn’t matter. He talked about going to Vegas and saying our vows there. Like I said, it really doesn’t matter to me. What matters is the relationship. We must invest our time and energy in the relationship. Investing money in a ceremony is irrelevant.

I had only one request. In the past, I refused to say that I would love, honor, and obey. I said that with him, I would actually like to say those words. His response? He said my obedience would be a given, an expectation, whether I said the words or not.

No White at Night is the name of a diet book by Dr. Bill Gavin. I am only part way through the book, but here is the gist of what he says.

He has three diet rules:

1. Eat three meals a day.
2. Eat protein at every meal.
3. No white at night.

The first two are pretty self explanatory. Eat 3 meals a day. No problem there. I always do. And I add snacks in between. I am always eating! Eat protein at every meal. This I don’t do so much. But, I guess, if you count the cheese I put on salads, then I do, although that’s not a lot of protein.

The third rule is the interesting one, which I’m sure is why he chose it for the name of his book. No white at night. Like I said, I am only part way through the book, but from what I’ve read, I take it to mean that you should not consume pasta, bread, rice, potatoes, etc. at night. Avoid the complex carbohydrates. Eat those sparingly and earlier in the day. His reasoning is that the sustained blood sugar that they produce is not used up because you rest at night. Therefore, it will turn to fat.

I have heard this idea before. Don’t eat a lot at night, because you don’t work it off. I’ve always had a problem with that. If you take in 2000 calories in a day, and work off 2000 calories in a day, shouldn’t it balance out? In addition, I have this irrational fear of going to bed hungry. I want food in my stomach when I turn in!

But I have finally decided to give in, stop being stubborn, and try this. For me it is not a matter of eating less, just of rearranging when I eat what. I will eat my huge salads at night instead of for breakfast. I won’t go to bed hungry. And if it doesn’t work or I am uncomfortable with it (after giving it a few days, of course) I can always go back to the way I am eating now.

Master has wanted me to look at what and how I eat. He has discouraged me from “saving up” things to eat at night. It also occurs to me that the “white” things are things that Master has to avoid, or at least be very careful of, because he has diabetes, and these things will wreak havoc with his blood sugar. Anyway, now I have a more specific plan to do what Master wants me to do. I will let you know in a week or so how it is going.