Due to Master’s health concerns, sex was not exactly a priority during his recent visit. There was some play time (which I will talk about in a separate post), but is that enough to qualify this as a BDSM relationship? Yes, there is much more to BDSM than sex.

From the time Master arrived, I tried to watch over him and help him with anything he needs. Sometimes I’m sure Master would say I did too much. ( I can carry that suitcase, slave. I’m not an invalid, you know!) Nevertheless, I have tried to make his needs my priority. When tells me to come to him, I do it. If he needs something to test his diabetes, I get it for him. I make sure his clothes and dishes are washed. I try to take care of his needs cheerfully and quickly. It is work, serving, but I had to wonder, if people in vanilla relationships worked this hard at them, perhaps they would stay together longer. It sure put my past relationships in a different light.

Master has a part in this, too. He has been concerned about my wants and needs as well. A relationship does take two. When we have gone out to eat, he asks what I want. Or, at the very least, he gives me options and has me choose. Yes, he could lord his mastery over me, but he does not. He does not have to. He says it, I do it. If I have what I think is a better idea, I will tell him, then let him decide.

Master knows that I am there for him and can be trusted to serve him to the best of my ability. At one point, Master and I were at a store with used DVDs and videogames. My son picked three games he wanted. Master made him a deal-find out how much money he had, and Master would match it. This is a very fair deal, but my son wanted me to just buy them for him. When my son and I went out to the car to count how much money he had, Master said to me, “Don’t help.” I did not, and Master did not have to repeat himself or check that I did what he wanted.

Sex and playtime is important in a BDSM relationship, just as it is important in a vanilla relationship. But it's not what the relationship is based on. A relationship built only on play will fall apart. Yes, our relationship is a Master/slave relationship, but it is buiit on trust and love, not play.

Since Master has left, I have felt depression creeping up. I thought it was just a part of feeling sad because Master has left, but I have decided it is time to do something about it.

First of all, the symptoms. I have been sleeping late. This may not sound like a big thing, but I recognize that my unwillingness to get out of bed is an unwillingness to face the day. Sleep is easier, and it is an escape. I have been sleeping until 9:00-10:00. This cannot go on.

I have also felt the great pull of sadness. As I told Master, without him, everything is grey, the colors are gone. This is more the normal feeling of sadness.

So, what do I do? First of all, I will get my ass out of bed at a decent time. Let’s say I will be out of bed by 7:00 am. Secondly, I am going to keep busy. I will not mope, or, at least if I do, I’m going to be busy while I do it. There is always a lot of cleaning and yardwork that can be done around my house. I will do it. I will attend ballgames and work. I will go for walks and visit parks.

Why bother? Because, for one thing, this is what Master would want. For me to fall apart would be unacceptable in his sight. And in mine.

Up and at ‘em!

Master and I talked about this a lot. Although we aren’t married and we don’t live together (or even near each other), we are still committed to each other. He offered me his collar 2 ½ years ago, and I accepted it. I have given him my heart and my self.

So now what? Do I move there? Does he move here? Do we get married? There are circumstances that make these questions difficult to answer. I have a son who will be entering high school this fall. He has lived in this little town for as long as he can remember He doesn’t want to move, and I don’t blame him. I have told him that after he graduates from high school, I’m out of here (I don’t particularly like this town we live in.) He’s not happy about that, but that’s too bad. Even if I don’t move to Master, I’ll still move.

So why doesn’t Master move here? One word: health. Master has diabetes as well as problems with his liver and his kidneys. He will be having some tests done. We hope that his problems will be treatable: manageable if not curable. He does not want us to marry just so I can take care of him until he dies. He doesn’t want me to “marry a corpse.”

In addition, there is the question of insurance. He has good insurance, but the company is not in this area. If we were to marry, he would go on my insurance. I get insurance through work, and since he would be family, they would have to accept him. But we are not sure it would cover as much as his current insurance, and Master is worried that I would be left with a stack of bills. I worry about that, too.

So where does that leave us? Deeply in love, but biding our time. I just hope we have the time to bide.

From the beginning Master and I have discussed the idea of a tattoo for me. I have decided that I want one. Master has not yet given me the okay to get one. He once said he would tattoo me when he married me. I have told him that if even if he and I don’t marry because of his health, I still want that tattoo.

Why? I want that tattoo as a symbol of U/us and what we have had. Master Bennet has touched my life, touched my soul. I want to symbolize that on my body, a mark that is permanent, like the mark he has left on my life. That Influence that Master has had on me will last a lifetime and, I’m convinced, beyond. A tattoo is a visible symbol of that relationship, and, like the relationship, is permanent.

At one time Master mentioned a butterfly with his initials in it. It could be put on my ass. This last trip he mentioned just a heart, because I have his heart. I still would like to have his initials in it. This is not just any tattoo. I want to proudly wear his initials. I suspect Master may object to the initials. How would I explain them if someone else entered my life after his death? Assuming that happened (Could there be another after Master Bennet??) I would simply be honest. Master Bennet has left an impression on me that I chose to symbolize in a tattoo.

I would also like to change the placement of this tattoo. I don’t want it on my ass; I can’t see it there. I want it where I can enjoy it. After all, it will mean more to me and to Master than to anyone else. I’d also like it in a discreet area, where I could easily cover it if I chose to. I have quite figured out where that would be. Inside my wrist or ankle? On my chest over my heart? I don’t know yet.

I just know that it is a symbol that I intend to have one day.

Master Bennet’s father has passed away, but he said that if his father were alive, he would look me up and down and say,

“I know what he sees in you, but what do you see in him?”

My first thought was to laugh at his sense of humor. But what if he wasn’t being funny? Although this comment implies that I am good-looking (thank you for the compliment), what about the question? What do I see in Master Bennet?

First of all, I see a strength of personality. Master is generally not one to hesitate. He looks at situations, decides what he wants, and he goes for it. He is NOT wishy-washy.

Master is realistic. He doesn’t promise the impossible. He knows the difference between the improbably, the possible and the certain. He deals with them all as is appropriate.

Master is creative. I like that. He likes the fine arts, and we share a love of words.

This seems like such a short, incomplete list. There is so much that makes Master special that I cannot put into words. Much of it I believe is undefinable.

What do I see when I look at Master? I see a man worthy of me.