I wrote the following and sent it to Master. He told me to post it here, which, quite frankly, I thought was pretty gutsy on his part.

There is something I wanted to tell you about my feelings. It has to do with sex.
I have never seen you have a hard on. You say you can, so I believe you. But I do have some questions and some things I wish to say.
First of all, does it take a little “help” for you to have an erection? It doesn’t matter to me if you use the little blue pill.
If you have trouble getting an erection, I have a couple of questions for you. The first is, how can I please you? That is more important to me than I can say. If you don’t get hard, can I still please you? Can you tell me how?
The second question is, can we use some toys? I still need satisfaction myself. I would love to have you put things in me. I’d be happy to get some gloves and you could use your fingers inside me. I’m sure we are creative enough to come up with other ideas.
I think we haven’t had sex (your cock inside me) because you want to wait. You want us to have that firm relationship FIRST. Thank you for making me wait.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.
I love you. I want to be your slave, your sub, your wife. I wouldn’t care if your genetalia suddenly fell off. I’d still want to wear your collar, be yours and only yours. You are man enough that you satisfy me in ways I can’t begin to describe. No other has even come close. NO MATTER WHAT, I WANT TO BE YOURS.

I have been surprised at how many people in the bdsm “lifestyle” just want to play. Much is said about this being a way of life and not just a sex thing, but so many people seem to use it for that. Since I began looking at this seriously, I have been approached by many Doms. I asked what they were looking for, as I wanted more than just play time. I was looking for that one Master. Their response was usually “Oh, me, too. Let’s get together and see if we’re a match.” One Dom advised me to “have fun” while I looked for the one.

Bullshit. They wanted to use me for play. For a variety of reasons, I didn’t generally take them up on their offers of play. I am grateful for that. I could tell the good Doms, because they advised me to be careful and realize my real Master would be more interested in my mind that my body (although he would get around to that). They would even tell me outright that they were not the Dom for me.

I have difficulty simply playing. I tend to become attached to my “playmate”. Or I would want a relationship so badly that I would work on trying to conjure up feelings that weren’t there.

I like my RELATIONSHIP with my Master. And I know this is a relationship (not just my wish for one) in a variety of ways. I trust this man. I don’t worry about him finding another, or not wanting me. I don’t worry about what ifs. Deep down, I just know this is meant to be. I know this is the ONE.

D/s defines our relationship. He is in charge. I listen to him. That makes this relationship sound one sided, which it’s not. It’s difficult to explain. He respects my ideas and my intelligence. He respects what I do. He is proud of me. And he also knows that he can count on me. He tells me to do something, I’ll do it. And I know that if I need him, in any way, he is there.

To each his own. If you just want to play, that’s fine. But understand that that is just what it is, nothing more. But the real fun is in exploring the relationship.

The last few days, I have been spending a lot of time out of the house. I spent a lot of time yesterday going to garage sales, then went the munch in the evening. I was up bright and early this morning to be at work at 7:00. When I got home this afternoon, I was ready to stop running. I was not so much tired as I was tired of doing stuff, being gone. I just wanted to sit back and relax.
And of course the first thing I did was look for Master. I found him online, so we chatted (and still are, as far as that is concerned). Coming home to him has been the highlight of my day. Home is where the heart is. I knew I was home, where I wanted and needed to be, when you said hello, Master.

Master has encouraged me to be brutally honest about the munch, so here goes.
I must admit, I was not impressed. I felt uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. I’m still trying to put my finger on exactly why. These didn’t seem like my kind of people. But why not? It wasn’t because I have more education. I don’t base friendships on that. I think it was the mate swapping that bothered me. I hate to see people dispose of their mates. People are not disposable.
The backstabbing also bothered me. Do these people like each other? Do they talk about each other the same way? What type of relationships are actually formed in this bdsm community?
I also tried to find something of substance in the conversations. I could not. They complained. They talked about play, and the rules. But there was very little that I was able to really get into. Maybe we are just different people, I don’t know.
Maybe I was bothered by the fact that I didn’t see the subs being submissive, or the Masters being in control. I don’t mean subs should sit with their eyes to the ground, but I could not tell by their interactions with their Masters that there was a D/s relationship there. Before Master Bennet even came to visit, my youngest son said to me, you do what Bennet tells you. I could only agree. I do seek his advice, and I do what I am told, when I am told to do something specific. I guess that is where I get the idea that it is all play, and not real. That’s what bothers me. I have been aware of this lifestyle for less than two years, yet some times I think I’m more “into it” then people who have done it for a long time.
They were afraid they had scared me off. I told them I’ve been working in the public schools for 20 years, I don’t scare that easily. And I don’t know that I am scared. A little uncomfortable. And, in all honesty, a little bored. Okay, maybe a lot bored. When you consider sneaking into the bathroom, calling someone and telling them to call you back in 10 minutes so you have an excuse to leave? I guess I have to admit, I was bored.

I went to my first munch tonight. There were a total of 6 people there. It was an interesting experience. There were the leaders of the group, D and V. Then there was B and his two subbies, G and M. And then little, ordinary me. I felt a bit strange, although everyone was very polite and appropriate.
D and V were dressed in blue jeans and sweatshirts. B wore something similar. G and M were wearing black. M was very gothic. She had several piercing, leggings, big black boots, and an interesting hair style. I dressed somewhere in between (jeans, turtleneck, vest) so I guess I did okay there.
About half of the time the group complained about others who they had been in groups with. They talked about people who took control, and subs who seemed to rule their “masters”. I had thought about joining other groups and becoming more involved in the community, but now, well, I’m not going to hurry into anything.
They also discussed play parties and playing with other couples. I just don’t see me into that. I don’t want to share myself with anyone but Master Bennet. And I don’t want to be one of his slaves. I want to be his ONE slave.
I must admit, the Dom with two subbies bothered me. I know it’s none of my business, and I have no right to be judgmental. But I was uncomfortable with it. And it seems that playing “musical mates” is normal for them. I don’t want that at all.
They talked about a camping trip. Although I would like to spend time with others, I realize that I really wouldn’t want to do that. Would I be safe by myself? Would I be propositioned? Asked to join in play? ORDERED to join in play? I don’t know. Yes, I could say no, but I really don’t want to be in the position of having to do that.
Master has often said that so many people are just into play, nothing more. If there is more to it than that for the people at this evening’s munch, I didn’t see it. Maybe I just haven’t seen all there is to see. That is certainly a possibility. Or maybe they just like to have a good time. Don’t misunderstand. I have a good time with Master Bennet. But it’s not about play. It’s about power exchange-my giving up power and control, him taking it. It’s about our relationship. It’s about U/us.
So, would I go to another munch? Maybe one more, just to give it a chance. But if it were not convenient, I certainly wouldn’t worry about it or rearrange my schedule. How about a play party or a camping trip? I don’t think so.
And of all the possibilities, I think I’d much rather just spend the time alone with Master Bennet.